The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in the Crypts of Westminister Abbey:
When I was young and free and my imagination
had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As
I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world
would not change, so I shortened my sights some-
what and decided to change only my country.
But it, too, seemed immovable.
As I grew into my twilight years, in one last des-
perate attempt, I settled for changing only my fam-
ily, those closest to me, but alas, they would have
none of it.
And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly real-
ize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example
I would have changed my family.
From their inspiration and encouragement, I would
then have been able to better my country and,
who knows, I may have even changed the world.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Monday, September 3, 2007
Criticism - Is it that bad?
When I am criticised, why I feel bad & why I sulk & why I brood & why I face self-doubt & why I ..........?
I realize that a good part of my self-image is based on how others pereive me. I have an inner-urge to be an ideal person in the eyes of everybody in my circle of concern. When I find out that someone sees me in less than a positive light, I have a tendency to feel devasted.
Criticism implies that I can be wrong!!!!! Whaaaat! How can that be? How can I (a very big I) be wrong? I am right! Why others don't understand me? Why don't they appreciate my situation?
Or, wait....
are they right? Yeah maybe they are right. Yeah they have to be right. They are so confidently critcizing me, that means that they are right. Maybe, I have to change myself. (I can go on and one with these expressions of self-doubt).
In my moment of calm, truth dawns on me - it is futile to satisfy everybody. The only thing I need is to have an open mind to listen to the opposing view. It is ultimately my purogative to decide whether the criticism is worth pondering upon or it is simply a difference of opinion.
Victor Frankl's most famous statement resonates in my mind: "Everything can be taken from a a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms, the ability to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one'e own way".
Good night.
I realize that a good part of my self-image is based on how others pereive me. I have an inner-urge to be an ideal person in the eyes of everybody in my circle of concern. When I find out that someone sees me in less than a positive light, I have a tendency to feel devasted.
Criticism implies that I can be wrong!!!!! Whaaaat! How can that be? How can I (a very big I) be wrong? I am right! Why others don't understand me? Why don't they appreciate my situation?
Or, wait....
are they right? Yeah maybe they are right. Yeah they have to be right. They are so confidently critcizing me, that means that they are right. Maybe, I have to change myself. (I can go on and one with these expressions of self-doubt).
In my moment of calm, truth dawns on me - it is futile to satisfy everybody. The only thing I need is to have an open mind to listen to the opposing view. It is ultimately my purogative to decide whether the criticism is worth pondering upon or it is simply a difference of opinion.
Victor Frankl's most famous statement resonates in my mind: "Everything can be taken from a a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms, the ability to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one'e own way".
Good night.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Ego - how it affects me
When Abraham Maslow was asked about the meaning of self-actualization, he replied," There are just two things to remember: one is to learn to become independent of the good opinion of other people and the second is to master the art of being detached from the fruits of your labours".
When I ponder on these thoughts, I realize that most of my miseries are the result of not understanding (or shall I say imbibing) the above thought. At my job I feel that everybody should talk good about me. My subordinates should think of me as an excellent & understanding boss. My colleagues should think of me as "competent & effective" professional. And my boss should consider me dependable and result oriented. Similarly at home, I strive to be an ideal father to my children, understanding husband to my wife and obedient son to my fathers. Carrying it further, I need to be a law abiding citizen and contibuting to well being of my neighbourhood and society at large.
But striving to achieve all these requires nothing less than super-heroic efforts. I don't realize that I have my own share of imperfections. So when I "overhear" my subordinates criticizing me, I go in defensive mode - I keep replaying the my conversations/actions in my mind, justifying to myself that I am right and my subordinates don't understand my position. Similarly, when "grapevine" tells me that my colleagues are speaking negative about me, I feel professionally threatened - I develop self-doubt, the basic assumptions being that my colleagues are right and my actions must win their approval. At that time I don't understand that the same colleagues who are criticizing me at my back, criticize everybody else - my ego comes in my way and I have a deep urge that my colleagues should always speak positively about me. In the same manner, when my boss gives feedback for my improvement during my performance appraisal, my heart misses a beat and I have a lump in my throat - "how can I (a very big I) can have weaknesses". All these gives the impression that till date I have not been succesful in my life - the basic assumption in my understanding being that everybody (repeat everybody) should have good opinion about me.
I don't realize that no person has been able to achieve these conditions. All the great souls who have ever walked on earth had enemies and had their own fair share of crticism. In fact if I give a deep thought, I can "see" that all these great men had to pass through highly adverse conditions before they achieved "greatness". I fail to consider:
- Mahatma Gandhi, who preached and practised non-violence, had to face a violent death at the hand of an hindu fanatic.
- Abraham Lincoln, inspite of doing so much good for the mankind, was assasinated.
- Martin Luther King was also assasinated.
- Nelson Mandela had sto spend half his life in prison.
- Even, the son of God (Jesus) had to endure severe hardships
There are numerous examples which show that no person has been able to achieve "goodness" in the eyes of all persons. When I consider these facts, I realize that the only difference between these great souls and me is that these persons were able to detach themselves from the good opinion of others, whereas I am still a slave of others good opinion. Or to put simply, the great souls did good (which inner voice guided them) ignoring the comments of others. Whereas I, tend to seek approval always from others for my actions.
Wayne Dyer says that "When you become the observer, you detach yourself from the outcome. You get your ego and everything in the material world out of the picture and you allow the highest part of you to observe the circumstance ... It's in the taming of the eqo that you find the sacred in your life. You find greater strength when you can stop being so focussed on you and your bottom line and start reaching out to others".
More on this tomorrow ....
When I ponder on these thoughts, I realize that most of my miseries are the result of not understanding (or shall I say imbibing) the above thought. At my job I feel that everybody should talk good about me. My subordinates should think of me as an excellent & understanding boss. My colleagues should think of me as "competent & effective" professional. And my boss should consider me dependable and result oriented. Similarly at home, I strive to be an ideal father to my children, understanding husband to my wife and obedient son to my fathers. Carrying it further, I need to be a law abiding citizen and contibuting to well being of my neighbourhood and society at large.
But striving to achieve all these requires nothing less than super-heroic efforts. I don't realize that I have my own share of imperfections. So when I "overhear" my subordinates criticizing me, I go in defensive mode - I keep replaying the my conversations/actions in my mind, justifying to myself that I am right and my subordinates don't understand my position. Similarly, when "grapevine" tells me that my colleagues are speaking negative about me, I feel professionally threatened - I develop self-doubt, the basic assumptions being that my colleagues are right and my actions must win their approval. At that time I don't understand that the same colleagues who are criticizing me at my back, criticize everybody else - my ego comes in my way and I have a deep urge that my colleagues should always speak positively about me. In the same manner, when my boss gives feedback for my improvement during my performance appraisal, my heart misses a beat and I have a lump in my throat - "how can I (a very big I) can have weaknesses". All these gives the impression that till date I have not been succesful in my life - the basic assumption in my understanding being that everybody (repeat everybody) should have good opinion about me.
I don't realize that no person has been able to achieve these conditions. All the great souls who have ever walked on earth had enemies and had their own fair share of crticism. In fact if I give a deep thought, I can "see" that all these great men had to pass through highly adverse conditions before they achieved "greatness". I fail to consider:
- Mahatma Gandhi, who preached and practised non-violence, had to face a violent death at the hand of an hindu fanatic.
- Abraham Lincoln, inspite of doing so much good for the mankind, was assasinated.
- Martin Luther King was also assasinated.
- Nelson Mandela had sto spend half his life in prison.
- Even, the son of God (Jesus) had to endure severe hardships
There are numerous examples which show that no person has been able to achieve "goodness" in the eyes of all persons. When I consider these facts, I realize that the only difference between these great souls and me is that these persons were able to detach themselves from the good opinion of others, whereas I am still a slave of others good opinion. Or to put simply, the great souls did good (which inner voice guided them) ignoring the comments of others. Whereas I, tend to seek approval always from others for my actions.
Wayne Dyer says that "When you become the observer, you detach yourself from the outcome. You get your ego and everything in the material world out of the picture and you allow the highest part of you to observe the circumstance ... It's in the taming of the eqo that you find the sacred in your life. You find greater strength when you can stop being so focussed on you and your bottom line and start reaching out to others".
More on this tomorrow ....
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Why we worry?
Winston Churchill said:
"When I look back on all the worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened."
How true!
Most of the things we worry about don't actually happen. Evolution has programmed us to worry. "Survival of the fittest" required man to be prepared for the worst and worry was the tool which nature gave us to survive.
When man lived in caves, the "worry instinct" told man that any noise in the bush can be a predator and therefore be ready to adopt "fight or flight response". The body supported this response by getting geared-up immediately by:
a. increasing our heart beat to increase the blood supply to our muscles for "fight or flight" action
b. increasing the supply of oxygen to hasten metabolism by faster breathing
c. eyes getting enlarged to let more light in so that any abnormal situation can be noticed immediately.
d. blood supply being diverted to our "fighting" muscles from the skin therfore the skin turned yellow.
All these actions alongwith numerous other actions by our body enabled us to emerge victor in the "survival of the fittest battle".
But these instincts are now contibuting to "excessive" worrying. In present day world we worry because:
a. somebody criticizes us (our instincts interprets this as that we are imperfect & therefore inferior)
b. we can't please everybody (we are so "egoistic" that everybody should praise us)
c. our neighbours are doing better in career than us (our "worrying instinct" has taught us that if somebody is superior to us than we are threatened)
d. our colleagues are praised in front of us (our body interprets this in a way that "we are inferior" & therefore our survival is threatened)
e. we see our batchmates doing better than us (again we feel we are inferior)
f. we read in newspaper about CEOs drawing "fortune" salaries ("how can they be better than us")
g. we see luxury magazines showing exotic luxuries like holiday resorts, 5-star hotels, Gucci bags, Chanel perfurmes (how can we be "so inferior" that we are not able to enjoy these goods but others can)
There can be hundreds of similar things whivh lead us to "worry".
Is this "worrying instinct" justified!
"When I look back on all the worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened."
How true!
Most of the things we worry about don't actually happen. Evolution has programmed us to worry. "Survival of the fittest" required man to be prepared for the worst and worry was the tool which nature gave us to survive.
When man lived in caves, the "worry instinct" told man that any noise in the bush can be a predator and therefore be ready to adopt "fight or flight response". The body supported this response by getting geared-up immediately by:
a. increasing our heart beat to increase the blood supply to our muscles for "fight or flight" action
b. increasing the supply of oxygen to hasten metabolism by faster breathing
c. eyes getting enlarged to let more light in so that any abnormal situation can be noticed immediately.
d. blood supply being diverted to our "fighting" muscles from the skin therfore the skin turned yellow.
All these actions alongwith numerous other actions by our body enabled us to emerge victor in the "survival of the fittest battle".
But these instincts are now contibuting to "excessive" worrying. In present day world we worry because:
a. somebody criticizes us (our instincts interprets this as that we are imperfect & therefore inferior)
b. we can't please everybody (we are so "egoistic" that everybody should praise us)
c. our neighbours are doing better in career than us (our "worrying instinct" has taught us that if somebody is superior to us than we are threatened)
d. our colleagues are praised in front of us (our body interprets this in a way that "we are inferior" & therefore our survival is threatened)
e. we see our batchmates doing better than us (again we feel we are inferior)
f. we read in newspaper about CEOs drawing "fortune" salaries ("how can they be better than us")
g. we see luxury magazines showing exotic luxuries like holiday resorts, 5-star hotels, Gucci bags, Chanel perfurmes (how can we be "so inferior" that we are not able to enjoy these goods but others can)
There can be hundreds of similar things whivh lead us to "worry".
Is this "worrying instinct" justified!
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